A letter to my daughter as I go back to work…

Dear SweetE,
If these last 3 months have taught me anything it’s that I’m not cut out to be a stay-at-home mom but that doesn’t make this day any easier. I have loved our long days where day turned into night in one continuous blur. I’ve enjoyed watching you go from a wrinkly, squinty face to a “little human”. I love seeing you experience this world and learn new things every day. I love to listen to your giggle, see your sweet smiles, and get the opportunity to nourish your body with my own. Though today, someone else will witness those sweet smiles, will hear those giggles as hours are spent in someone else’s care.
I want you to know the immense amount of heartache and guilt I feel when I put you in daycare, but know that allowing me the chance to pursue my passions makes me a better mom.
I want you to know the fear I feel that you may one day know your caregiver more than me. I pray that never happens, but I worry none-the-less. I worry that you’ll get hurt, sick, upset, scared, and I won’t be there to comfort you. In my eyes, no one will be able to take care of you the way I would. I wake up in the middle of the night with intense worry over this one decision. If I’m being honest, no caregiver will ever be good enough, yet here I am leaving you in the hands of someone else. I’ll constantly question and worry from the time I drop you off to the moment you are back in my arms because I am your mother and I love you.
I love you enough to show you that your mom is the best version of herself when she is free to pursue her God-given passions to make this world you live in better. I love you enough to demonstrate the strength, resolve, and intelligence of a working mom. I love you enough to allow someone else to watch you because from the moment you were created in my womb I have given you over to God. I have entrusted my Savior with your very life and I trust that He will keep you safe every day when we are apart. If by chance you are hurt one day, I’ll trust that He will give me the strength and tender mercy to make it through. I pray that He will remind me that you were His first and that your life is His gift to me lived out in precious moments every day that will make the exhaustion, separation, and sadness fall away as I joyfully live into this new journey as your mother who works out of the home and holds you loosely enough to let you grow even in the care of another.